Once n for all.... Its over.... Sigh!!!!! again.....

home...

• is where i get to eat mummy's white chicken
• is where i smell amooma's sari
• is from where amooma n i go to the temple
• is where daddy goes to sleep while watching a cricket match
• is where i fight with rohit
• is where i see amooma praying n playing patience with a battered pack of cards, at the same time
• is where the old bugsey welcomes me an then licks me when i cry
• is where amooma makes sheera because i asked
• is where amooma makes oil for my hair
• is where bugsey wraps himself around daddy's head substituting a pillow
• is where rohit rags n bullies me
• is where daddy makes sosedges with whisky
• is where mummy n i discuss the harry potter series
• is where bugsey brings the newspaper home in his mouth, and then tears it if he doesn't get a biscuit quickly
• is from where arun n i go for a long drive to delhi
• is what i find for arun
• is where arun breaks my heart
• is what i lose and find again and again
• is what i leave n come back to
• is where i come to cry, to crash and burn

;-(

I want to go home
I miss you
I'm worried that you're sad
I hope you find a place n peace soon
I dont like Gurgaon anymore without you
I miss you
I can forgive you murder- Unconditional love as you want it
"Love" doesnt do justice to how i feel about you
This isn't the end... My faith will protect me

Wish...

tu is tarah se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
jahan bhi jaaon ye lagata teri mehfil hain
ye aasman, ye baadal, ye raaste, ye hawaa,
har ek cheeez hai apni , jhaga theekane se,
koi dino se shikayat nahin zamaane se...
ye zindagi hai safar tum safar ki manzil hain
jahan bhi jaaoon ye lagta hai teri mehfil hain
tu is tarah se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
har ek shai hain mohobbat ke noor se roshan
ye roshani jo na ho zindagi adhoori hain
rahe wafa mein koi humsafar zaroori hai
ye raasta kahin tanha kate to mushkil hain
jahan bhi jaaon ye lagta hain teri mehfil hain
tu is tarha se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
har ek phool kisi yaad sa mehekta hai
tere khayal se jaagi hui phisaaye hai
ye saas pedhe hai ya pyar ki duuaye hain
tu paas ho ki nahin phir bhi tu mukaabil hain
jahan bhi jaoon ye lagta teri mehfil hain
tu is tarha se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain

"You don't like what is normal either, do you"?

Who defines "Normal"?

After my 10th std, I wanted to study Science. I wanted to follow on my Dad's and cousin's footsteps and become an Engineer. So I did Science till the 12th. My HSC marks were not good enough to get a non payment seat for engineering. During my 12th std vacations I started drawing as a hobby. I saw an ad for a Fashion Design graduation course, & did that. So much for the "Computer Engineer from COEP" that I was going to become... I loved every minute of my fashion design course...

I joined Hurley's in Bombay as an intern Fashion Designer for 6 months...At the end of these 6 months my maternal Gmom passed away. Now this lady, bless her soul; hated the sight of me... I was living with her and my Gdad for these 6 months. These were professionally happy, but personally the worst 6 months of my life. My weight went down to 37 kgs. My lab weighs 38 kgs. The owner of Hurley's, at the end of these six months, offered me Rs 4000 as my monthly salary to join them full time. My dad said nothing doing, I came back to Pune and joined Mphasis BPO. N I have loved the 6 1/2 years since.

The point of this long story is that I have always ended up doing something that is at a complete tangent to my long term plans. So I have never made "Normal" choices. I think I'm ok. I should go back to Fabric Design soon enough.

"Whatever happens, happens for the good"... We don't want what is good for us. God gives us what is good for us and we are miserable.. If God gives us what we want then we'll still end up miserable...

Our parents didn't necessarily make the best choices for themselves. I know I will listen to a view point, but I only choose what is right for me. I'd like to make my own mistakes. N what the hell; I know that in the end this too shall pass...

I'm Back :-) / :-(

I came back from Kerala Sunday night... It was a great trip, very green, clean n pristine. N it was good to see the family again too... Good to catch up on all the family gossip... Good to see how much i still love n hate my aunts and cousins... It was nice praying for and to amooma as well. I'm sure she would have loved the whole jing-bang getting together and going on the trip... i missed her...

Now that I'm back I miss home.. I want to stay with mum n dad.. I can definitely do the fabric design bit from Bangalore itself... I again realise that I don't need friends, I need family... I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...

I'm like water I think. I take on the color that is poured into or around me... So I spend time with one person n I become like her/him. If I move away for an extended period of time then I start judging and disapproving of the person.

I'm also a prude when it suits my convenience. My opinions keep changing. I want to let go and hold on to people randomly without any real reason, either way. Understanding the motive, doesn't necessarily justify the action... N I'm sick of double standards, mine and others'

I want to go home... I just need to decide where my home or my heart is...

Random thoughts that don't matter later

So I kep another diary...reading these now makes me realise how true they were and still are.. But I'm sad about how irrelevant they now are...

""Love is a disease. It's inconsistent and fickle. I'm fickle. I'm ugly and he's beautiful. Nature is unfair. He's the wind and I'm earth. He'll keep moving and I'm static. I can't tie him to myself. If he will be with me he will have to be free.

This is what I'm going to do... I'm going to do myself a favor and stop calling and messaging him. I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to let him go. Let him make the next step, if there will bbe one. I'm going to let amooma take care of this. """

""I feel nothing for him. I feel neither relieved nor sad. My indifference doesn't surprise me, but it does worry me. Will I always be only getting over someone? Am I to only feel the hope for love, for sometime, and to never enjoy the reciept of that emotion? The thing is that I have had so much experience at unrequited or failed love that I know exactly how to get over it.

So is this how it i meant to end with **** too? Am I to get tired of trying and then give up on him as well? I'm tired. Goodnight.""

""Here's the thing... I've felt love more than once. I've declared it more than once. I've enough experience at unrequited or disappointed love, so I know if I have to... I will get over this too. I love you. At this moment in time, it's the absolute truth...

I say that I can't express myself, at the same time shy do I leap without knowing where I will crash. I've sent you that message; because of it I will be too embarassed to call you for a few days. I'm shameless see... I'll call you anyway; after a few days that is. .. When I call you I hope you will not punish me for saying that I love you.

I'm grateful though... grateful that I still have it in me to feel this way and then talk/write about it. Whatever happens I hope I will continue to feel this way .... I hope I will not have to get over this too.

Amooma is watching over me... Maybe she'll take care of me... I love you amooma... wherever you are.... you've left a void... take care of me... give me the strength to love unconditionally... protect me so that I don't have to get over it... and if I have to, please give me the strength to do so.

To love.... I hope I don't have to go hunting for you again""