;-(

I want to go home
I miss you
I'm worried that you're sad
I hope you find a place n peace soon
I dont like Gurgaon anymore without you
I miss you
I can forgive you murder- Unconditional love as you want it
"Love" doesnt do justice to how i feel about you
This isn't the end... My faith will protect me

Wish...

tu is tarah se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
jahan bhi jaaon ye lagata teri mehfil hain
ye aasman, ye baadal, ye raaste, ye hawaa,
har ek cheeez hai apni , jhaga theekane se,
koi dino se shikayat nahin zamaane se...
ye zindagi hai safar tum safar ki manzil hain
jahan bhi jaaoon ye lagta hai teri mehfil hain
tu is tarah se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
har ek shai hain mohobbat ke noor se roshan
ye roshani jo na ho zindagi adhoori hain
rahe wafa mein koi humsafar zaroori hai
ye raasta kahin tanha kate to mushkil hain
jahan bhi jaaon ye lagta hain teri mehfil hain
tu is tarha se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain
har ek phool kisi yaad sa mehekta hai
tere khayal se jaagi hui phisaaye hai
ye saas pedhe hai ya pyar ki duuaye hain
tu paas ho ki nahin phir bhi tu mukaabil hain
jahan bhi jaoon ye lagta teri mehfil hain
tu is tarha se meri zindagi mein shaamil hain

"You don't like what is normal either, do you"?

Who defines "Normal"?

After my 10th std, I wanted to study Science. I wanted to follow on my Dad's and cousin's footsteps and become an Engineer. So I did Science till the 12th. My HSC marks were not good enough to get a non payment seat for engineering. During my 12th std vacations I started drawing as a hobby. I saw an ad for a Fashion Design graduation course, & did that. So much for the "Computer Engineer from COEP" that I was going to become... I loved every minute of my fashion design course...

I joined Hurley's in Bombay as an intern Fashion Designer for 6 months...At the end of these 6 months my maternal Gmom passed away. Now this lady, bless her soul; hated the sight of me... I was living with her and my Gdad for these 6 months. These were professionally happy, but personally the worst 6 months of my life. My weight went down to 37 kgs. My lab weighs 38 kgs. The owner of Hurley's, at the end of these six months, offered me Rs 4000 as my monthly salary to join them full time. My dad said nothing doing, I came back to Pune and joined Mphasis BPO. N I have loved the 6 1/2 years since.

The point of this long story is that I have always ended up doing something that is at a complete tangent to my long term plans. So I have never made "Normal" choices. I think I'm ok. I should go back to Fabric Design soon enough.

"Whatever happens, happens for the good"... We don't want what is good for us. God gives us what is good for us and we are miserable.. If God gives us what we want then we'll still end up miserable...

Our parents didn't necessarily make the best choices for themselves. I know I will listen to a view point, but I only choose what is right for me. I'd like to make my own mistakes. N what the hell; I know that in the end this too shall pass...

I'm Back :-) / :-(

I came back from Kerala Sunday night... It was a great trip, very green, clean n pristine. N it was good to see the family again too... Good to catch up on all the family gossip... Good to see how much i still love n hate my aunts and cousins... It was nice praying for and to amooma as well. I'm sure she would have loved the whole jing-bang getting together and going on the trip... i missed her...

Now that I'm back I miss home.. I want to stay with mum n dad.. I can definitely do the fabric design bit from Bangalore itself... I again realise that I don't need friends, I need family... I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...

I'm like water I think. I take on the color that is poured into or around me... So I spend time with one person n I become like her/him. If I move away for an extended period of time then I start judging and disapproving of the person.

I'm also a prude when it suits my convenience. My opinions keep changing. I want to let go and hold on to people randomly without any real reason, either way. Understanding the motive, doesn't necessarily justify the action... N I'm sick of double standards, mine and others'

I want to go home... I just need to decide where my home or my heart is...

Random thoughts that don't matter later

So I kep another diary...reading these now makes me realise how true they were and still are.. But I'm sad about how irrelevant they now are...

""Love is a disease. It's inconsistent and fickle. I'm fickle. I'm ugly and he's beautiful. Nature is unfair. He's the wind and I'm earth. He'll keep moving and I'm static. I can't tie him to myself. If he will be with me he will have to be free.

This is what I'm going to do... I'm going to do myself a favor and stop calling and messaging him. I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to let him go. Let him make the next step, if there will bbe one. I'm going to let amooma take care of this. """

""I feel nothing for him. I feel neither relieved nor sad. My indifference doesn't surprise me, but it does worry me. Will I always be only getting over someone? Am I to only feel the hope for love, for sometime, and to never enjoy the reciept of that emotion? The thing is that I have had so much experience at unrequited or failed love that I know exactly how to get over it.

So is this how it i meant to end with **** too? Am I to get tired of trying and then give up on him as well? I'm tired. Goodnight.""

""Here's the thing... I've felt love more than once. I've declared it more than once. I've enough experience at unrequited or disappointed love, so I know if I have to... I will get over this too. I love you. At this moment in time, it's the absolute truth...

I say that I can't express myself, at the same time shy do I leap without knowing where I will crash. I've sent you that message; because of it I will be too embarassed to call you for a few days. I'm shameless see... I'll call you anyway; after a few days that is. .. When I call you I hope you will not punish me for saying that I love you.

I'm grateful though... grateful that I still have it in me to feel this way and then talk/write about it. Whatever happens I hope I will continue to feel this way .... I hope I will not have to get over this too.

Amooma is watching over me... Maybe she'll take care of me... I love you amooma... wherever you are.... you've left a void... take care of me... give me the strength to love unconditionally... protect me so that I don't have to get over it... and if I have to, please give me the strength to do so.

To love.... I hope I don't have to go hunting for you again""

Letter from my grandfather

My 85-year old gdad wrote this email to a prospective "groom", who got a little over enthusiastic... If I was a guy n got such an email, I'd drown myself... But my gdad is very cute... :-)

"I'm no expert on psychology nor competent to advice you. But commonsense and age old wisdom dictates that you always respect a girl's privacy and freedom while seeking to gain her confidence and luv. It seems you rushed things a bit and overawed Rashmi with your aggressive overtures, while trying to express to her your sentiments. No doubt, your intentions were honorable, but instead of going step by step viz., introduction, acquaintance, friendship and confidence-gaining and last, but not the least, expression of tender feelings, u seem to have started with the final stage. In true ancient Rajasthani Royal style, u rushed in and swept Rashmi off her feet to take her home(heart). Whilst she was in no distress, she mistook you for a kidnapper, though u considered yourself a rescuer. Naturally u forced the poor girl to rush behind her protective shell. An Indian girl, however modern in outlook she may be, is wary abt roadside (and Internet) Romeos and Don Juans. U have feelings. I'm sure if you ask for a second chance she will only be willing. But exercise caution. Give her sufficient breathing space. That is if u are truly interested in winning her over as your life partner."""

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah.
Needless to say, this "alliance" didn't work out.

I really wish my gdad would stop trying to search for my husband.

25th June 2010, 5:28am

i believe i can love once more :-) .... It's kind of foolish really... I mean I've no idea how the other person feels. I don't even really know him... This is just something that 've built up in my own head...

work is good. I'll fiinish the GBP project by around October... i also should start something with fabric design with Vini... Spoke to Vikram about it today. Right now it's just a vague idea, but hopefully should work out...

i hope this is the one.. I hope i stop being Jim Corbett :P

For you...

So, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell
blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail
a smile from a veil
do you think you can tell

did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts
hot ashes for trees
hot air for a cool breeze
cold comfort for change
did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage

how i wish
how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
running over the same old ground
what have you found? the same old fears
wish you were here

...

there's this person in my team who is more than 40 years old and is an associate. he has a son who needs a blood transfusion every month. his son wont live beyond the age of 14. now this person is one of the most cheerful people I've met. it doesn't matter how distracted n busy i may seem, he will ensure that he gets my attention n greets me with the nicest smile.

I'm so ashamed of the troubles i complain about. God only throws that much at you that you can handle. How is anyone supposed to anticipate or handle their child's death.

i think if by 30, if I'm not married, i will adopt a child. i want to be a mother.

Blogs & Fighting

After 6 years of knowing someone, if you can't pick up the phone & fight its sad... I've used a blog to express anger & grief & I'm sorry... My biggest weakness I guess is that I cant stay angry... Or is this my biggest strength? I cant be angry just because I don't command sufficient affection

I think I just need to apologise & that's what I'm doing... Im still too chicken to pick up the phone :-(

Red Roses

I received a bouquet of 10 red roses today... & No it's not my Birthday! It's the way it was given to me... It was cute!!! I never thought that I can be so corny, but I am... Red Roses always work!!!

Last Night

Its funny... People meet me and think that they need to take care of me. They feel all responsible and they think that they need to give me advice that I obviously don't give a damn about... STOP BORING ME!!!!

But all in all last night was fun... It's amazing how I tend to enjoy myself so much with people who I don't know. I was partying with a group of relative strangers until 5:30 in the morning. I went for coffee to this place that I really like- "Lemon Tree"... They have very funny table mats (More about that later)... I went home at 7:30am... MY GOD!!!!!! I feel all grown up and I'm finally partying...

& it was a pleasant change to spend time with someone who is chivalrous and treats me like a girl.... I like, I like :)

Past, Present & Future

I desperately want to know my future. I want to know what will happen. Which friends will stay, who will I leave behind, who will I lose. Will I feel this for long??? Will this desperation ever reduce...

There is one comforting thought though.... God ony throws that much at you that you can handle... N recent events have shown me that I've turned into a rock. I can pretty much overcome anything... I have to thank my support system - It's pretty fantastic...

The less I expect, the less dissappointed I'll get. Keep yourself safe... Don't hope for anything, dont trust anyone, dont love so you'll never get hurt... I might as well die then... N what the hell, this too shall pass...

Dinshaw complained that my blogs have too much angst n I used to be a lot more cheerful... Inspite of everything I write, I think at the end of the day, I'm still happy n grateful. Just a little more wise n cynical... But I dont think its a bad thing...

One promise that must be kept- I wil never go back..... Another resolution- dont listen to drunk men, they'll only regret what they say in the morning... I need to respect myself more... I need to realize that I deserve better... stop waiting n stop forgiving... dont let people take you for granted....stop being available...dont answer certain calls...it's ok to let go of people...

N i dont care who gets hurt by this blog... Im hurt too

;-(

It's been three days, I should be sad. I am a little sad I guess, but Im definitely not as sad as I should be. I don't cry much. I cry in my dreams and I beg for dead people to stay a little longer. I suppose I should cry for the people who are alive. I suppose with the people who are alive, there is still hope. N maybe it's a good thing that I have faith. Plus I have a fantastic support system....

Attention & It's Timing

Why is it that people never like attention when they are getting it? Why is it that when you stop talking n ignore people then they'll call you and ask why you're angry... But when you're being sweet and give them attention then they'll give you attitude.... N what is it with negative attention... Why do people push you so hard for a negative reaction.... Im so bored of this shit... I swear I cant even be bothered... The truth is when I don't give a damn, that's when Im strongest... The bloody problem is that I'll get pulled back soon enough... Love is a bloody pain in the arse...

PS- please excuse my french... There are a lot of wonderful people in the world... But I fall for all the idiots

Lost wallets and wonderful people

17th March 2010- 1:30 am
Harish came to my workstation and asked me to join him for chai n a smoke. So I took my wallet, we went to the cafeteria, i paid for the chai and we went to the smoking zone. We bitched for about 15 mins and then I came back.

3:30 am
Harish again comes to my workstation for the next break. N bloody hell!!!!!!! my wallet is missing... Went running to the cafeteria...it's not there....checked with the security and facilities teams if anyone has submitted a bottle green leather wallet- Sorry! So went down to the smoking zone; asked the gaurds there- No Joy... Looked around, sometimes people take the cash and then throw the wallets, but no, that didn't happen either.

So I thought I've lost my wallet which means I've lost Rs1500 + change in cash, my debit and credit cards, my pan card, my ex-serviceman dependent card, my symbiosis admit card and some other visiting cards. Even if some nice person found my wallet, I knew they wont be able to get in touch with me, because I had not left any contact no for myself in the wallet. There wasn't anything stating that I work in WNS either.

Depression, guilt, self disgust....

17th March 2010 11am
I'm desperately trying to get over this and sleep and then I get a message from Ratnesh, who is currently in New York. I haven't spoken to him in years...We email each other sometimes. His message says that someone named Aman called him saying that he has found my wallet and I should call him on the stated no. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got through to Aman at 4pm and he said that he found my wallet in the smoking zone; I should meet him at the dhaba at 1am. His shift starts at that time- he'll reach office then.

18th March 2010 1:00am
I got my wallet back and everything is intact :-) Now here's the beauty of it- Aman tells me what all he did to find me: He called my gas agency no to check if that guy has my address. Called on a few other visiting cards, but that didn't help.

Finding me became a sort of project for him and his team members- They used my pan card no. to search if they can find me on the internet (this kind of frealed me out actually). They called ICICI to check if they'll give any contact details for me. They checked with the gaurds with my pan card photo to check if anyone has seen this girl. They went to every floor, to every office, to check if the gaurds would recognise me (The useless WNS gaurds didn't).

Finally on a piece of paper, I had written Ratnesh's no. I had written his no some nearly two years ago. So this poor guy made two international calls, spoke to Ratnesh and told him that he has found my wallet.

I'm amazed!!! Usually people won't even bother to return the wallet. They'll take the cash n some fools would even try their luck at swiping your card; just in case you haven't blocked it as yet... But here's this guy who returns my wallet with all the contents intact and tries so hard to find me. He says that some two years ago, he had lost his wallet and some good samaritan mailed it to him.

The world is filled with a lot of very good people. That's the conclusion I've come to.

One more bites dust

Im a manglik... Apparently Im unlucky in love because of it... How I see it is that it protects me from making any bad choices. I believe that love n marriage is destiny. This may sound corny but I believe that there is one specific person from me. This manglik thingy prevents me from ending up with any person other than the one Im meant for. Ill wait for the right time n right place

I want to be happy n so thats what I'll be... Im getting rid of weeds.... I'll have a healthier garden now :)

Acceptance, Expectations and disappointment

I went out of my way to find someone a house recently. And this is when I desperately need to move myself...So anyway, I found the place. Personally I thought it was quite perfect. Accepted its TINY, but it had everything that I thought he would need. It has a geyser, cupboard, fridge, AC, TV, two attached beds. This even had curtains, mattresses, pillows. It's extremely close to office, and within his budget....What I'm trying to say is, as per me it has EVERYTHING A SINGLE NORMAL PERSON would need!!!!!

But No! Some people can just never be happy.- "The place is so tiny". "The kitchen is smaller than my suitcase." "That's not a bathroom, it's just a toilet." "If I stretch both my hands, I'm sure I'll be able to touch opposite walls." There's a lot more, but never mind....

After all of this, whats the point in saying "Thank you". "You were there when I needed help"...."blah" "blah"

So, this is where acceptance, expectations and disappointment come in.... I did all of that because I wanted to help him out. I was majorly pleased at the idea that he was completely dependent on me and had left all of that to me. I was his savior, his knight, so on and so forth.... So the expectation was that he should love whatever I had done n praise me sky high.... Obviously he did not, but my expectation was wrong...

Once all this drama was over, we had fun shopping for blankets, more pillows, etc. That was nice...setting it all up later was also nice...

Now here's the thing- he said "don't think I'm a bastard n a horrible person, don't think i have used you... I needed help, n you were there for me... Thank you".... Now how i read this is that, don't expect any loyalty/extra affection n the like...

I cant complain really. I wanted to do all of this. Yes he has used me, but i let myself be used, so why make a big deal out of it....

But I'm pissed anyway

Moving....

I think I should move to Banglore... At the same time I also think I should move back to Pune and buy Amooma's house if I possibly can...

Amooma is my late grandmom and my guardian angel. She meets me every night without fail and talks to me in my dreams. The problem is my memory of these conversations, in the morning, is all garbled... But I miss you amooma, I want to hold on to that house if I can... If you want me to have it, I'm sure you'll help me out.

Get me out of Delhi. While I've started to love this city I think I can grow to hate it as well. I want to stay at home and vegetate for some time. Grow some leaves and branches maybe... Maybe all that I need to develop is self assurance...

More nonsense later....