"You don't like what is normal either, do you"?

Who defines "Normal"?

After my 10th std, I wanted to study Science. I wanted to follow on my Dad's and cousin's footsteps and become an Engineer. So I did Science till the 12th. My HSC marks were not good enough to get a non payment seat for engineering. During my 12th std vacations I started drawing as a hobby. I saw an ad for a Fashion Design graduation course, & did that. So much for the "Computer Engineer from COEP" that I was going to become... I loved every minute of my fashion design course...

I joined Hurley's in Bombay as an intern Fashion Designer for 6 months...At the end of these 6 months my maternal Gmom passed away. Now this lady, bless her soul; hated the sight of me... I was living with her and my Gdad for these 6 months. These were professionally happy, but personally the worst 6 months of my life. My weight went down to 37 kgs. My lab weighs 38 kgs. The owner of Hurley's, at the end of these six months, offered me Rs 4000 as my monthly salary to join them full time. My dad said nothing doing, I came back to Pune and joined Mphasis BPO. N I have loved the 6 1/2 years since.

The point of this long story is that I have always ended up doing something that is at a complete tangent to my long term plans. So I have never made "Normal" choices. I think I'm ok. I should go back to Fabric Design soon enough.

"Whatever happens, happens for the good"... We don't want what is good for us. God gives us what is good for us and we are miserable.. If God gives us what we want then we'll still end up miserable...

Our parents didn't necessarily make the best choices for themselves. I know I will listen to a view point, but I only choose what is right for me. I'd like to make my own mistakes. N what the hell; I know that in the end this too shall pass...

I'm Back :-) / :-(

I came back from Kerala Sunday night... It was a great trip, very green, clean n pristine. N it was good to see the family again too... Good to catch up on all the family gossip... Good to see how much i still love n hate my aunts and cousins... It was nice praying for and to amooma as well. I'm sure she would have loved the whole jing-bang getting together and going on the trip... i missed her...

Now that I'm back I miss home.. I want to stay with mum n dad.. I can definitely do the fabric design bit from Bangalore itself... I again realise that I don't need friends, I need family... I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing...

I'm like water I think. I take on the color that is poured into or around me... So I spend time with one person n I become like her/him. If I move away for an extended period of time then I start judging and disapproving of the person.

I'm also a prude when it suits my convenience. My opinions keep changing. I want to let go and hold on to people randomly without any real reason, either way. Understanding the motive, doesn't necessarily justify the action... N I'm sick of double standards, mine and others'

I want to go home... I just need to decide where my home or my heart is...

Random thoughts that don't matter later

So I kep another diary...reading these now makes me realise how true they were and still are.. But I'm sad about how irrelevant they now are...

""Love is a disease. It's inconsistent and fickle. I'm fickle. I'm ugly and he's beautiful. Nature is unfair. He's the wind and I'm earth. He'll keep moving and I'm static. I can't tie him to myself. If he will be with me he will have to be free.

This is what I'm going to do... I'm going to do myself a favor and stop calling and messaging him. I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to let him go. Let him make the next step, if there will bbe one. I'm going to let amooma take care of this. """

""I feel nothing for him. I feel neither relieved nor sad. My indifference doesn't surprise me, but it does worry me. Will I always be only getting over someone? Am I to only feel the hope for love, for sometime, and to never enjoy the reciept of that emotion? The thing is that I have had so much experience at unrequited or failed love that I know exactly how to get over it.

So is this how it i meant to end with **** too? Am I to get tired of trying and then give up on him as well? I'm tired. Goodnight.""

""Here's the thing... I've felt love more than once. I've declared it more than once. I've enough experience at unrequited or disappointed love, so I know if I have to... I will get over this too. I love you. At this moment in time, it's the absolute truth...

I say that I can't express myself, at the same time shy do I leap without knowing where I will crash. I've sent you that message; because of it I will be too embarassed to call you for a few days. I'm shameless see... I'll call you anyway; after a few days that is. .. When I call you I hope you will not punish me for saying that I love you.

I'm grateful though... grateful that I still have it in me to feel this way and then talk/write about it. Whatever happens I hope I will continue to feel this way .... I hope I will not have to get over this too.

Amooma is watching over me... Maybe she'll take care of me... I love you amooma... wherever you are.... you've left a void... take care of me... give me the strength to love unconditionally... protect me so that I don't have to get over it... and if I have to, please give me the strength to do so.

To love.... I hope I don't have to go hunting for you again""

Letter from my grandfather

My 85-year old gdad wrote this email to a prospective "groom", who got a little over enthusiastic... If I was a guy n got such an email, I'd drown myself... But my gdad is very cute... :-)

"I'm no expert on psychology nor competent to advice you. But commonsense and age old wisdom dictates that you always respect a girl's privacy and freedom while seeking to gain her confidence and luv. It seems you rushed things a bit and overawed Rashmi with your aggressive overtures, while trying to express to her your sentiments. No doubt, your intentions were honorable, but instead of going step by step viz., introduction, acquaintance, friendship and confidence-gaining and last, but not the least, expression of tender feelings, u seem to have started with the final stage. In true ancient Rajasthani Royal style, u rushed in and swept Rashmi off her feet to take her home(heart). Whilst she was in no distress, she mistook you for a kidnapper, though u considered yourself a rescuer. Naturally u forced the poor girl to rush behind her protective shell. An Indian girl, however modern in outlook she may be, is wary abt roadside (and Internet) Romeos and Don Juans. U have feelings. I'm sure if you ask for a second chance she will only be willing. But exercise caution. Give her sufficient breathing space. That is if u are truly interested in winning her over as your life partner."""

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah.
Needless to say, this "alliance" didn't work out.

I really wish my gdad would stop trying to search for my husband.

25th June 2010, 5:28am

i believe i can love once more :-) .... It's kind of foolish really... I mean I've no idea how the other person feels. I don't even really know him... This is just something that 've built up in my own head...

work is good. I'll fiinish the GBP project by around October... i also should start something with fabric design with Vini... Spoke to Vikram about it today. Right now it's just a vague idea, but hopefully should work out...

i hope this is the one.. I hope i stop being Jim Corbett :P

For you...

So, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell
blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail
a smile from a veil
do you think you can tell

did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts
hot ashes for trees
hot air for a cool breeze
cold comfort for change
did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage

how i wish
how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
running over the same old ground
what have you found? the same old fears
wish you were here

...

there's this person in my team who is more than 40 years old and is an associate. he has a son who needs a blood transfusion every month. his son wont live beyond the age of 14. now this person is one of the most cheerful people I've met. it doesn't matter how distracted n busy i may seem, he will ensure that he gets my attention n greets me with the nicest smile.

I'm so ashamed of the troubles i complain about. God only throws that much at you that you can handle. How is anyone supposed to anticipate or handle their child's death.

i think if by 30, if I'm not married, i will adopt a child. i want to be a mother.